Merry & Messed Up: “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”
There's really nothing to add to this.
When I first set out to do this effing Christmas series I made only one rule for myself: I had to genuinely enjoy everything I listed. It would be easy to make an ironic list of Christmas crap, movies and especially songs that are “messed up” in one way or another. But, because I’m humourless during the holidays, I fight for sincerity instead. At least until I get tired of losing and then I feel like crying. (But let’s not talk about my relationships.)
That said, including Santa Claus Conquers the Martians wasn’t something I felt 100 about — it’s one of those things that are so-called “so bad they’re good.” You know, like James Franco, or your sister. And oh, it’s bad. It gives B-movies a bad name. It’s a college dorm room movie, an occasion for weed and Cheetos. If you enjoy this flick you might be a film studies hipster. At the very least you’re on some nerd shit. For me, however, all of those things are at least partially true, whether I’d like to admit it or not. So, yeah: I saw this in university. I liked comic books and Dan the Automator, and my quad-room meals with the hippie chicks downstairs were either brunch or munchies. I have fond memories of this stupid movie. So here it is.
The 7th Day of Christmas: “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”
In Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) the people of the Red Planet lament that their children are joyless and overly serious. Their solution? Kidnap Santa Claus and have him make toys for the Martian youth! Along the way identities get mistaken, toy factories are sabotaged, Santa tells a bunch of jokes that kids never laugh at, and Mars ends up with its own green-skinned St. Nick. Rumours have it that Hollywood has been trying to remake it since the turn of the century, and I’m sure if Tim Burton wasn’t such a hotshot nowadays that he can green-light any property he wants to, he would have taken a stab at it. And he would have ruined it. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is rightfully often listed as one of the worst movies ever made, and it’s perfect just the way it is. Which is what your parents said about you, except here it’s true.
The film reached cult status after Mystery Science Theatre 3000 gave it the once over. You can watch their summary below.
Santa: “Well, we’ve never disappointed the kids yet!”
MST3K: “Except for the poor ones.”
But if you’re feeling particularly adventurous (i.e. masochistic), Youtuber “drelbcom” uploaded the entire thing for your enjoyment. Don’t worry about copyright issues (do you ever?) — Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is actually public domain. Like the fat one himself, the film rightfully belongs to everyone. So it’s yours, whether you want it or not. Merry Christmas!
Merry & Messed Up: Because Christmas makes you fat.
