White person Xmas gift guide
Posted on 18. Dec, 2009 by jessekg in media, Pop Culture
Because there is no ugly sweater party without the ugly sweater
The New York Times recently ran a special gift guide for coloured people. That’s right, people of colour. It included handy little gift ideas like makeup for different skin tones, hair products specifically for different types of “non white” hair, and some of the most random race specific gifts ever published (Caribbean Gospel Cruise anyone?). As a response to that, we at the Ashcan only thought it fair to publish an equally as handy guide to buying gifts for the white people in your life. I was elected for a number of reasons: one, I am the token whitie on this fine blog; and two, at 30-years-old, I have a lot of experience being white and enjoying Christmas.
So here it is, based on my experience, the gifts that I have either bought for the other white people in my life, had bought for me by the white people in my life, or just otherwise want for Christmas. Or in general. Or plan on buying for myself.
Your welcome.
Ugly xmas sweaters
White people everywhere should have an official holiday called Ugly Sweater Party Day, and it should fall a couple weekends before Christmas every year. I unpack mine every year just in time for Christmas party season, and don’t take it off (or wash it) until Spring. It’s only fair to warn you though, this is not an easy gift, as good ugly sweaters are not only hard to find, but alarmingly expensive. For instance, they need to be knit by hand, the colours need to be bright and offensive to the eyes, yet still complementary enough that other white people will admire it. The shapes that are knit into it are also important, as moose are clearly a sought after classic, but snowflakes could be perceived as too feminine. Also, the more random the better, as the hockey player patterns on my sweater elicit “oohs and ahhs” from at least seven out of every 10 people that see it. Better start looking now though, because when the temperature drops, these sweaters are snatched up quick.
*Note: Bill Cosby sweaters are a close second.
But not just any old record player, or, actually what I meant to say was, any old record player - old being a key word. You could buy them a fancy, shiny new one, but chances are they are like me and prefer the record player to look authentic (i.e. old). It can be direct drive and have that special needle that goes both ways so you can scratch records, but trust me, it will not be used that way, other than to maybe do a little remix of Floyd the Barber on Nirvana’s Bleach reissue. And when I say remix I mean a couple scratches when the chorus hits. For the most part the white person on your holiday gift list just wants something that looks cool and they can hit play on, sit back, and listen to the pile of obscure vinyl they inherited from their parents.
Goats
Yes, those kinds of goats. I know because I did this one year. Simply go to to the CHF website (or some other sort of charity that supports some sort of initiative in Africa), donate some money and buy a goat, some chickens, or a vegetable garden for a village in a country your friend has probably never heard of. You will never be questioned about the sincerity of your gift (that would be racist), or how much it cost you (cheap and racist). In fact, it makes all us whities feel better about an otherwise shady history (see boardgames below).
I think my dad is still waiting for his goat to come in the mail from two Christmases ago though.
Board games
I mean, come on, Risk? It is the ultimate board game all about white history (imperialism, expansion, overpowering countries with less resources, etc), not to mention one of the best games ever. I’m sure there is some sort of war on terror collectors’ edition out this year. Monopoly and Cranium are also good bets though for the white non-war mongers in your life.
Expensive notebooks
You may or may not know this, but to your white friends it’s not even worth writing an intelligent thought unless two other things are happening: one, someone is there to witness it; and two, it’s in a notebook that cost $20 or more and is preferred by a great, dead, writer/thinker/explorer/and so on. Luckily you have a few options, the Moleskin being the most popular because it’s endorsed by Hemingway (brainstorming this idea just cost me $3 dollars in paper in my Moleskin). But don’t forget the Clairefontaine and the Rhodia, as with these two you may score bonus points for being obscure. Just remember the dead thinker endorsement though when picking yours. This gift will show your white friend that you think they are smart enough for such a fine piece of stationary.
A Souvenir
From somewhere exotic and ethnic they have never been. Just grab this from 10,000 Villages, or your local store that imports goods from Thailand, marks them up 300 per cent and sells them to white people who don’t know any better but just want to say they have something ethnic in their house. Might I suggest something carved out of wood?
A Snowboard
Snowboarding, or some sort of board sport (there is one for every climate so just pick yours) is almost as white as having the crusts removed from your sandwiches. Actually, I don’t even know if that is a white thing, but it made sense when I wrote it. While it’s fair to say that at any given time 75 per cent of the people on the mountain have no idea what they’re doing, they look damn good in the chalet afterwards. A huge part of this is having a snowboard to carry around with, because there is nothing more satisfying than the forced swagger that carrying around a six foot piece of wood makes you walk with. And as a bonus, the best white conversation piece in the world could possibly be a snow/surf/wake board hanging on the wall of your apartment. We all love modestly answering when someone asks, “Wow, you snow/surf/wake board?”
Make your friends ascent to coolness that much easier and just get them a board already.
Big ass winter boots
The irony in these never goes out of style for us white folk, and the more utilitarian looking the better (just as long as they have a bit of style). A popular model is Sorrels, and we love pretending that the weather in Canadian cities is similar enough to the arctic that we would need boots designed for it. A close relation to these boots are those jackets made from baby seal pelts and raw Canada geese, but since they are clearly way too expensive for gifts this year (it is a recession, after all), go for the $150-250 boots instead.
Ya, ya, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was literally the sound of the early ’90s, and Nirvana was the reason that plaid shirts were ever popular, but none of that means anything to your white friends unless they heard it before everyone else. Since Bleach was Nirvana’s first record, done in 1989 when Kurt Cobain was still living out of the back of his car, and Dave Grohl wasn’t in the band yet, the Bleach 20-year reissue is the quintessential record this season. What better way to show you were in on one of the most significant movements in alternative music of the last 20 years than to pretend you were into Nirvana before anyone else was? For this reason alone it will make the perfect addition to any white person’s vinyl collection, whether they listen to it or not.
This one tends to work great for the white-haired white person, whereas Bleach (above) works more for that “I’m in my late 20s, early 30s and having a hard time coming to terms with not understanding what’s cool today” white friend to buy for. For anyone over 40, any one of these CDs is guaranteed to make them feign a huge smile and give a big insincere thanks (again, anything else would be racist). I think my favourite would have to be “Christmas around the world,”or perhaps “New Orleans Christmas,” because really, what white person doesn’t like to pretend they are in touch with and sympathetic towards New Orleans? To really top it off though, accompany it with a donatin to a Hurricane Katrina fund in their name.
rehana
Dec 18th, 2009
lol@ the bleach reissue. The place i work at just ordered 50 copies of this album for the store.
Jef
Dec 19th, 2009
As a P.O.C. myself, I would like to say if anyone wants to buy me a gift, please use Jesse’s list instead of the NYT’s. Any of this stuff is way cooler than specialized hair products. Extra haha at the goats, and thanks for explaining the snowboard thing to me. Always a mystery! And YES, I was always confused when kids had their crusts cut off. Not sure if that’s a white thing either, but hell no was my family going to waste any food to accommodate my cosmo tastes. But yo, no oranges?
Anupa
Dec 19th, 2009
Yeah Jesse, what happened to the oranges?
And don`t forget the dog-in-a-box–thats not how you got Agnes is it?
Simon
Dec 19th, 2009
I know you were actively being ironic with this awesome post, but does anyone think it’s amazing that the original NYT article is still one-billion times more smarmy without even trying? It pretty much broke every quantifiable mechanism I have on the unintentional comedy scale.
Obligatory: oranges!
jessekg
Dec 19th, 2009
ya ya, I know I originally mentioned oranges, but seriously, I just don’t understand them. Every year they show up at the top of the stocking, and every year they get put right back in the kitchen where they belong. I say it’s time to start fighting against oranges in the stocking, as well as anything else even remotely healthy.
Digital Capacitor :
Oct 31st, 2010
i’m quite sick of listening to pop songs like lady gaga that is why i shifted to alternative music .