Spectacle: “Va-whaa??”

There’s lots of bits of arbitrary information that don’t exactly have any foundation-shaking impact on my life…but are still worth filing away in the ol’ grey matter.  Like the fact that if you were to fart in space without a spacesuit, you could actually propel yourself forward.  Or that that golf-club-swinging S.O.B. / game show host extraordinaire Bob Barker served as a Navy fighter pilot in the Second World War.

And then… there’s this:

Jennifer Love Hewitt on George Lopez

Save yourself nearly three minutes of asinine banter and skip to about 2:50 on the clip.  Yes, friends, in case you ever wondered…Jennifer Love Hewitt likes to “vajazzle” her vagina.  (And no, I refuse to use the pepper the rest of this post with the phrase “vajayjay”– it makes a legit/fun piece of anatomy sound like one of Martin Lawrence’s zany neighbours from back in the day).

According to J-Love, her “precious lady….shines like a disco ball” thanks to the help of lots and lots of tiny Swarovski crystals she likes to have plastered on.

Wtf.

There are so many things wrong with that sentence, it hurts.

A) “Precious lady”?  Clearly Jen’s blossoming career whisked her from Health Ed class sometime BEFORE it was no longer acceptable to label a female body diagram with ”hoo ha” and/or “no-no place”

B) Where’s Xzibit??  I keep waiting for him and that skate-bum crew of his to jump out and tell her how they’ve pimped her ride.  (I’m also expecting a remote-activated full-size movie screen to unfold from those depths for use with the new PS3 and MTX JackHammer Subwoofer they’ve installed in her crotch).

C) And if she’s got such unlimited Swarovski access, why not– oh, I don’t know–have it sewn onto a gown?  Maybe then she wouldn’t be running around looking like this.

Anyway, for those of you who need to know, the process has NOTHING to do with the similar-sounding Bedazzler, but the word association alone is enough to make me flinch.  And according to the sole Toronto-area spot that offers the service, the crystals are glued in place with an adhesive that holds for one to two weeks, depending on how much you “exfoliate”. (Here’s where I hope people know that the pumice stone isn’t an all-purpose bath tool)

When you think about it, though, all this TMI is a wonderful litmus test for any young actor’s staying power.  It’s pretty much a scientific truth: the more the world can wax poetic about their wax job, the less likely it is these walking c#&*s will withstand the longevity test.   Judy Dench, Susan Sarandon, Cate Blanchett– I don’t know a thing about what’s between their legs but what’s between their ears seems to have taken them pretty fucking far.  Meanwhile, I could write a thesis, comparing and contrasting the labia of Brit, P- Hilton, and Lilo…but it looks like they’re mercifully well on their way to wobbling their Choos into the sunset.

Cross your fingers.  I’m looking forward to the  Ghost Whisperer episode where J-Love strikes up a conversation with her dead career.