The Ashcan

I love Google, because if I don’t I think they will murder me

Posted on 10. Feb, 2010 by Simon in Internet

Larry: I will break you, Jobs Sergey: If he dies, he dies

News today has Google getting into the broadband internet business. Is it just me, or has the Big G been making a concerted effort to be all creepy-invasive lately? And I don’t mean in a “somebody recognizes you through Facebook stalking” creepy, I mean in a macro-sized “Tim Robbins in that movie Antitrust” kind of creepy. This isn’t even the first time in six months I’ve had to wonder about Google’s Orwellian streak.

It’s almost like Google has an internal bet going where they’re just going to keep trying new things to push the public. Somewhere, Sergey Brin is playing a giant game of “I wonder if we can get away with…?” Naturally, there is still room for expansion. As Google Buzz continues to spam my phone with comments on people talking about Google Buzz, I present, free of charge, the next services Google needs to get into.

Ok, lets start with what the Googs already has covered:

• books
• academic journals
• search
• email
• browsers
• social networking
• blogging
• photo sharing
• news aggregation
• telephone/ voice communication (home)
• telephone/ voice communication (mobile)
• all digital forms of mobile communication
• physical broadband internet access
• maps
• video sharing
• cloud based word processing and spreadsheets
• file storage
• calendars and organizers
• event and group project planning
• language translation

There are other more obscure products, but lets for the sake of argument say this is the gist of what those silly primary-coloured Cupertino Kids have covered.

What’s next? Well obviously.

Matchmaking

One day, I will be able to search for “single, low standards, low self-esteem female, Toronto, legal age, Neon Genesis Evangelion” and get profiles for all the hotties in my neighbourhood. As an added bonus, once Google puts eHarmony out of business we won’t have to watch anymore commercials about two attractive people painting half a giant canvas at 3am and having it turn out beautifully. Fuck you, perfect people. I want a commercial where two people split street meat at 3am and one of them throws up on the other’s shoes. Now that’s love.

Civil Litigation Tool

Inevitably, just like how you can store text messages, archive chats, save emails, cache blogs and screen cap websites, I am confident Google will eventually be able to bring the same level of ludicrous invasiveness to our telephone conversations via Google Voice, or even Google Talk. Imagine the possibilities!

“You said meet at 3pm”
“No, I said 1pm”
“I have our conversations archived, I just played it back and it said 3pm”
“Oh yea right? My bad!”

or perhaps

“You’re cheating on me”
“No I’m not”
“I hacked into your Google Voice and listened to all your conversations with XXXX”
“Those were innocent”
“You said you wanted to murder me”
“Murder you with love baby!”
“Who’s Asuka?”
“We need to break up now”

Digital Intervention Assistant

You know how in an intervention, everyone just gathers in a room and confronts the person with a problem? Imagine you had the ability to confront someone not just physicaly, but through every imaginable electronic medium! Emails that remind you you’re an alcoholic; twitter-like updates that say “I love you please stop drinking,” from your kids; personalized, Google-sourced-advertisements on all the websites you frequent purchased from caring friends who want to remind you not to visit the LCBO today. The possibilities are endless — surely AA is already all over this like a wino on some Pinot Grigio.

Stalking Tool

To a certain extent, Google search already is a pretty potent stalking resource. The doors that will soon open will put to shame reading a strangers blog and looking through their pictures though. Forget Yellowpaging someone’s address — soon we’ll all be forced to Buzz-locate whenever we use any sort of digital communication. Google someone’s name and soon your exact last location will pop up on a GPS tracked, satellite specific map. And there’s no hiding! Google even has the fucking Olympic slopes covered, so don’t even try to Unibomber that shit. I won’t even get into Google Store View. No, I am not making that up.

Democratic Propaganda Machine

Exhibit A

Skynet

Is there any doubt?

Tags: 1984, eHarmony, Google Buzz is spamming me, Larry Page, Orwell, Sergey Brin, Skynet, What the fuck is a Wave?, Why Google owns our lives