Can an A-list director bring out the awesome in Breaking Dawn?
Posted on 16. Mar, 2010 by Jef in Curiosities, Film, Pop Culture
Pretty please?
Girlfriend, did you hear the news? That unfilmable final Twilight book might actually find its way to the theatre, logic be damned, directed by a genuine artsy-fartsy director. Cinematical via Entertainment Weekly is reporting that the council of Volturi and a couple of werewolf hobo elders (aka “Summit Entertainment” studio) have been reaching out to Bill Condon, Sofia Coppola and Gus Van Freaking Sant to film Breaking Dawn, make a lot of money, and ruin their careers.
The question remains though, can either of these talented filmmakers make sense of the book-thick brain tumour that is Twilight‘s conclusion? The plot of Breaking Dawn (SPOILERS, AMAZING SPOILERS–>) follows Bella through her pregnancy with an intelligent, telepathic vampire baby (after having painful vampire sex), Edward trying to pimp Bella out to Jacob, and ends gloriously with Jacob falling in love with said intelligent, telepathic vampire baby.
Chud puts words to your mouth-gaping reaction best:
. . . these are the main amazing events that demand this book to be turned into a film. I will not rest until I have seen a movie in which a werewolf falls in love with a baby. Hell, once I’ve seen a werewolf fall in love with a baby I may quit movie watching – I will have seen the ultimate culmination of a century of cinema. The entire film of Breaking Dawn would play like the weirdest exploitation film since Doris Wishman died – brutal sex, bizarre body horror, unbelievable pedophilia.
A werewolf falling in love with a baby. This is why Thomas Edison invented this shit in the first place. So we could see a werewolf fall in love with a baby.
My brain has reached a new level of excitement! I’m biting my lip, my skin is sparkling, and I might just have to take my shirt off.
I seriously doubt either of these directors will end up on board (well, maybe Condon, because after filming something called Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, he will likely need a bit of excitement to get his blood flowing and keep from falling into a coma), but we can at least imagine, can’t we?
For Van Sant, he could always pass off doing Breaking Dawn as some weird post-modern experiment, like he did with his Psycho remake. Coppola I doubt would survive the ordeal, however; her career just doesn’t have the track record to fall back on. On the other hand, Coppola might be the most qualified to figure out this fubar concept. When you think about it, forbidden lovers ScarJo and Bill Murray in Lost in Translation were pretty much Bella and Edward, weren’t they? I can already picture it now, after two hours of staring at rainy window panes after walking off the pain of vampire sex Bella gives birth to her evil telepathic baby and Jacob takes his shirt off and whispers some inaudible sweet-nothing in its ear and then the screen fades to black.
Whew. Excuse me, my loins are doing cartwheels.
Simon
Mar 17th, 2010
That’s how it ends?!
Somewhere, I am sure my Mormon friends are shaking their heads in shame that this is what they’re going to be known for.