The Ashcan

Best of: Best of Craigslist

Posted on 30. Apr, 2010 by Simon in Pop Culture, Uncategorized

Not a Jewish Golem

No place on the internet provides such a representative slice of life than Craigslist; people sell their old belongings; purchase new beginnings; there are poets and perverts; romantics and rapists.

Every so often Craigslist will update their best of posts, aggregating the most entertaining listings from across their network of sites. Culling only the crème de la crème of of those posts, here is the best of the best that (relatively) normal folks across North America have offered up in the past few months.

To the redheaded MILF jogging in the park Sunday morning, apologies – m4w

I hope you realize that my perving was directed at you and only you, and absolutely no part of it was meant for your young daughter (niece? juvenile jogging companion?). As implied, I enjoy the perks of jogging at Audubon, and one of those is a bit of ogling on the sly. It helps me forget that it’s been too long since I was jogging regularly, and I usually wear sunglasses to keep my baser proclivities to myself. You are stacked, I like redheads, my sunglasses were missing…you see where this is going. Anyway, I must congratulate you on getting your young companion to to run completely concealed behind you, only to emerge at what was, for me, the worst possible time. Do you practice that? It must be the best ogle-stopper in the business. I swear, when she popped out from behind you, my libido panicked and imploded in about a nanosecond, and it took effort not to loose a cry of “Dirty pool!” Well played, MILF.

Anyway, I am sorry if the young lady was hit with creep-shrapnel. That really isn’t my thing. I apologize if my perusing of your goods was offensive, too. See you around?

Take a few pictures for cash (female)

Looking for a good looking girl, ages 18-25 to take a few pictures with me. In medical school. Went through a bad breakup and told my parents I had a new girlfriend so they’d leave me alone.

Pay is $80. Totally clothed. Take a few pictures. Done in 5 minutes. $80. Attach picture and I will respond. No travel required.

Sea Monkeys

Please rescue my son’s Sea Monkeys.

The Sea Monkeys were a well-intentioned gift from a relative, but my son has poor vision and can’t see them at all, so they’ve become Mommy’s problem. We are moving and I have no idea how to transport them across the state- plus, I don’t care. So, they would love a new owner. They come with their tank, food and food scooping spoon, and a little syringe and keychain thing in case someone wanted to suck Sea Monkeys out of the tank and carry them around for some reason. As shown except that our tank is red, not blue, and that the eggs have already been hatched.

They would be a great dorm pet as they don’t take up any space and are quiet. Really, they would be a good pet for anyone. I’m not picky, I don’t think they are either.

I realize that people feed Sea Monkeys to fish and such, and I have no problem with that, but I’m not interested in giving these creatures away for that purpose simply because it seems like a waste of all the plastic crap that comes with them. So please only take them if you actually want to keep them.

Thank you!

**Please do no flag and tell me this belongs in pets. Seriously- they’re Sea Monkeys. Come on.

WE NEED A SMART PERSON

We need a smart or more person to help un with our Company.

Zombie hunting SWF seeking kick ass partner

“SWF seeks SWM who enjoys farming, zoo keeping and serious preparation for zombie invasion for friendship, LTR and possible marriage. Must be willing to wear a kilt and own his own broadsword.

Must be down to earth kind of guy, no prior convictions, not subject to any criminal investigations. I will look you up on the state access database so don’t bother lying about it. Am D/D free, you be too

Must hold liberal political views, while still supporting gun ownership, hunting and private land rights.

No racists, homophobes, or fundamentalists. No Jehova Witnesses or Mormons.

Must love dogs and be approved by my dogs. Must be able to ride a horse and allow me to spend large amounts of time with my animals without complaint. Must take me fishing and buy me a pint now and then. You can go out with your buddies too, I am not the jealous sort. But, you better be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins.

I am a strong, intelligent country woman who can drive anything, haul 10 gallons of water to animals at a time, butcher a deer and run a trot line. Country folk will survive.

Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM.

One Rabbi versed in the Dark Talmudic Arts to create one Golem for household of three. Golem will perform rudimentary household chores such as dishes & sweeping, basic Math Tutoring for our daughter in 3rd grade and basic household security. Golem must be obedient and fairly unobtrusive on our every-day lives.

We will supply all materials needed (clay, twigs, calfskin parchment, etc) needed to create the Golem. All you need to do is use your magical ancient Rabbinic skills to animate said Golem!

Please note! We are looking for a Rabbi to create a Golem: an anthropomorphic being created from inanimate matter from Jewish folk-lore, NOT Gollum: a former Hobbit turned into monster and looking for “precious”. This is important! We have no interest in living with Gollum. We want a Golem. Please respond, serious inquiry only.

Natalie Davidson, I have one question.. – m4w

To my heart and my better half, Natalie Davidson,

Ten months and sixteen days ago, I left my heart in Vancouver. It was one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do, but it was worth it. My love for you grew stronger as I counted down the days until I would see you once more. Every kiss, every touch, every glance had to last until the next time. Every time I would hear your voice on the phone, I came alive again. It has been ten long months… but those months apart cannot compare to a lifetime together.

I remember when you told me about your guilty pleasure, CL’s missed connections. I had never heard of it. I thought it was bizarre, but you called it hopeful and romantic. You described how beautiful it is for one to explore this measure by just being affected by a glance or a smile. I felt your passion. I felt your love for love. Most importantly, I felt myself falling in love with you.

Baby, you and I are hardly a missed connection. But the same day you told me of your guilty pleasure, you told me you secretly wished to have one written for you. I know I’m a few years late on this one…

Today I will be reunited with my heart for good. And when I finally kiss you and hold your hands in mine, I will remember that not all connections are missed.

In a few hours, I’ll call you to wake you up like I do everyday. You’ll go for your work out and come home to shower. At 9am, you’ll check your emails and read missed connections like you do everyday.

At roughly 12:45pm today when you pick me up from YVR, you’ll answer the question I’ve been dying to ask for the past three and a half years.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Julian

Insanely Aggressive, Territorial, Guard Duck, (Muscovy)

Hello.
This posting is about “MR. DUCKY.” When he was a chick, he was my favorite out of the entire flock. He was one of the few ducks that would gently nibble on my finger. He would always let me pet him and feed him spinach. Now he has become a horrible monster of a duck. His nibble has turned into a skin-tearing instrument, his feet have turned into painful, skin-piercing talons. Anything moving in the yard that is non-duck, he attacks. He attacks raccoons. He attacks dogs. He attacks cats. Now he even attacks full grown humans, galloping around the yard with clipped wings like some sort of maniac. Sandals are out of the picture now, unless I want scabs on my feet. This was semi-tolerable for a while, but now he can inflict a fair amount of pain on my calf through my work jeans, and I can’t get anything done in my back yard. So this is my ad. If you want a duck that will scare/maim/fight any animal that might be threatening your flock, MR. DUCKY is the craziest damn duck I have ever seen in my entire life. He is only friendly with ducks. I don’t know about chickens, but he charges crows or other birds that land in the yard. He is a great guard duck. I have a newborn son that I want to have ten fingers growing up. $40 OBO, MR.DUCKY. Upon pickup, feel free to observe his behavior. He is one-of-a-kind.
Call: 253-[deleted] I live in Bremerton, will deliver.

every girl that dreams of dating a bearded uptown hipster with a bike

let me just remind you that when you take away the fixed-gear bike, the messenger bag, the scarf that’s worn year-round, the ironic t-shirt, the dumb shoes, the pbr, the tattoos, plugs, and the stupid beard, we all look the same.

so, are you really in love with a guy or his accessories? or is it that you’re in love with the whimsical idea of an urban lumberjack type who will go on “adventures” with you, meanwhile being perfectly content with doing what every other human being our age does: drinking and fucking?

also, tell me about the last black guy you dated. what’s that? you can’t? cause every fucking uptown hipster is a white boy from the suburbs.

the uptown wannabes from the suburbs grow up idolizing the current inhabitants. when they’re old enough, they move there, grow beards and do the stupid shit that kids do (eg. drink). what’s ironic is that this new generation then grows up and becomes the new kids to be idolized by the new uptown wannabes from the suburbs. it’s an endless cycle of superficiality, facades, and stupid kids seeking affirmation from their peers.

the truth is, NONE OF YOU ARE COOL!

i wish i could be there, 20 years from now, when you look back at pictures of yourselves from today. it’s like explaining zubas in the 90s to someone today.

irony is not timeless.

marry a guy with a yacht.

Tags: Creep-shrapnel, Ducks, Golem, hipsters, m4w, Sea Monkeys