The Ashcan

Ten Canadians the U.S. can keep

Posted on 02. Jul, 2010 by jessekg in Curiosities, Internet, Listed, Uncategorized

In the spirit of true American friendliness, for Canada Day Gawker published a list of Canadians it would like to see deported back to Canada. It included Justin Bieber, Avril Lavigne, Pamela Anderson, Michael Cera, Ryan Reynolds, Evangeline Lilly, Mike Myers, Keanu Reeves, Nia Vardalos, Elisha Cuthbert, Morley Safer, Steven Cojocaru (who?) and Howie Mandel. So I say fine, in the true spirit of Canadian acquiescence to you, America, we will take them back. But only because that means you keep the following:

Gavin McInnes: Seriously, ever since this one trick pony stopped writing Do’s and Don’ts for Vice he became even less relevant. His new venture, Street Carnage, has nothing on the old laugh out loud sarcastic observations about random people’s sartorial decisions (it’s too Americanized now, I guess). So you can keep him and his piss eating antics.

Celine Dion: Really? You don’t want to deport Celine? So typically American, taking some of our worst acts (see next entry) and blowing them up to such epic proportions that they have the ability to sell out Vegas night after night. Enjoy, Vegas. Your welcome.

Nickelback: Nice work on this one guys, real nice. Kroeger and company were totally harmless until the U.S. devoured their repetitive cock rock lyrics and cheesy antics. Thankfully we have enough musical talent to draw from so that we can keep the Back off the airwaves up here, leaving more for you. Maybe we should just rename Kroeger’s haircut from the Alberta Waterfall to the Alabama one right now?

Dov Charney: I’m actually shocked this guy is Canadian, although it sort of makes sense given his close connection to Vice Magazine. That said, his salacious soft-core advertising and countless sexual harassment complaints not only make this guy the perfect American, but also the perfect candidate for Governor. Vote Charney in 2011!

Disclaimer: Until someone else makes equally as good 50/50 t-shirts I will likely continue to buy AA ones. My scruples aren’t that high.

Alex Trebek: You’re just so friggin smart, aren’t you Trebek? With all your snarky answers, like you know everything….You’re reading from the cards!!! That’s worse than cheating, so just tone down the arrogance. Also, you officially know more U.S. history than anyone else in the country, so you might as well just stay.

Barenaked Ladies: That’s right, up here the Ladies were practically in line with Sharon, Lois and Bram. South of the border, their concerts get so crazy that a friend of mine once witnessed a full on lesbian orgy in the middle of the mosh pit during the show. Clearly, they are waaaay better down there (with or without Steven Page).

Peter North: aka Matt Ramsey, aka, the North Pole, aka, the most famous male porn star in the business today. This guy is such a true picture of living the American Dream, that it just wouldn’t be fair to take him back at this point.

Brendan Fraser: Since he actually peaked with his first role, playing a typical Southern California resident (Encino Man), I think it’s only fair to let him continue to live that dream out until it comes crashing down on him and he ends up playing some real life man in a cartoon world, or his craft just degenerates into some of the worst acting this planet has ever seen. (Wait, what do you mean? Already?)

Jason Priestly: I think Canada can do without yet another made for TV movie or infomercial or after school special where Priestly races a car or plays hockey, so go ahead, he’s all yours. And while we’re at it, you can keep his fictional sister’s replacement, Shenae Grimes (does that mean they are related).

Keifer Sutherland: Honestly, we don’t want him. Every time he comes home he gets way too drunk and starts bar fights.

Tags: Annoying Canadian Celebrities, Canadians, deported, Gawker