The Ashcan

The Twilight Twinterrobang: PORTMANTLOL!

Posted on 06. Jul, 2010 by theashcan in Film, Interrobang

Anupa: Word.

So gahddd, where do we start?

Were you totally mad at me for outing your Twilight-watching on Twitta?

Jef: Maybe. Mostly ironically so.

I have little shame in this life I lead.

Anupa: As a male, is it weird for you to partake in the experience?

Jef: I would totally go to bat for Twilight if it had any redeeming qualities (I love Gossip Girl season 1 and will tell it on high), but god yo, Twlight really sucks.

Anupa: Hey, this one wasn’t as bad as New Moon.

Jef: Yeah, but that’s saying very little about nothing.

Anupa: I’m gauging this based on the insane pressure of prepubescent sexual tension that filled the theatre that time.

God, it was uncomfortable.

But I had my legs up this time, chillin. I could take it.

Jef: It was gross in that New Moon theatre.

Eclipse had a better director, the shots were nicer, the pacing was more measured, it ended on what seemed like an actual ending.

But still — I can’t stand the story.

Does it do anything for you, coming from a female perspective? Am I missing something obvious?

Anupa: I mean, it sounds super snobby and whatever to say this

But I don’t think I think like a girl.

And I’m not even a feminist.

I just don’t buy the way women are portrayed in basically everything.

I hate having “girl talk” with some of my friends who’ll be all “women are allowed to be irrational sometimes!” and “I’m bitchy when I’m on my period!”

Because NO to both of those.

So this whole helpless Bella thing weirds me out.

Because I guess that’s what girls are being told to do?

And the whole like, ditch your dad and shit for some hot rich guy?

I dunno, it doesn’t vibe well.

From a human standpoint, not a lady one.

And it’s weird because they try and tomboy-ize her (she doesn’t like to wear dresses or go shopping) so I guess she’s more relatable, but in the end she fulfills all the emotional tropes.

Jef: Yes, let’s talk about Bella, because from my boy perspective I can’t even begin to articulate how EVIL this girl is.

Anupa: BOO-LLA.

Jef: She’s the most toxic girl you’ve ever met in highschool and throughout the entire film I wanted to yell at Edward RUN! RUN YOU PASTY BASTARD.

Which brings me to a surprising thing I noticed while watching: I am Team Edward.

Not Team Edward in that I want him to end up with Bella.

Anupa: Team Edward in solidarity?

Jef: Team Edward in that he is the only character who is not psycho crazy and I want him to be ok in the end.

Can we talk about the evil Bella moments?

Anupa: YES.

Please list them, in order of most heinous to least heinous.

Jef: Like when she nonchalantly ditches Edward and gets on Jacob’s bike to ride away with him? WHO DOES THAT.

Or when Jacob makes her this bracelet and she WEARS IT in front of Edward like “What, it’s a gift?” WHO DOES THAT.

And then all the way to end where she calls after Jacob and is like “Kiss me!” and Edward is RIGHT THERE. WHO. DOES. THAT.

And she follows up with “Uhm, I don’t know what happened?”

I DO. I know what happened.

Anupa: I hated that shit

Because he’s totally psychic and she KNEW IT

Like, it’s not like he gave her her privacy and, maybe she needed to kiss him, and he didn’t need to know.

But she knew.

Like, in real life, Bella is basically a crazy-ass bitch.

Jef: She’s manipulative and mean and the film passes it off like she’s just romantic and in love with these dudes, but she’s just horrible.

Also: Jacob is psycho.

Those two deserve each other.

But something tells me their relationship doesn’t work without Edward there to be tortured by it.

The whole thing is a psycho mess.

Anupa: Playing devil’s advocate: do you feel like maybe we’re just being adults and that’s actually what most teenage relationships were like?

I feel old.

Jef: Teenagers are psycho, sure, but there’s something disingenuous about the way these films package it all. I don’t see how this would help me work through hormone-fuelled dumbfuck emotions. There’s no subtlety here, no soft hand, no insight. Smallville does this better. Gingersnaps. I don’t get the sense that these Twilight films understand teens so much as they just cash in off of it.

Anupa: I think it helps because it legitimizes how they’re feeling and the foolish things they want to do.

Jef: I’m not sure those things SHOULD be legitimized. There should be empathy and understanding, no doubt.

But the things that Bella and Jacob do are so extra downright disgusting, and it’s delivered with sexy smirks and awesome soundtracks. Jacob forcing himself on Bella is not hot, sorry.

“You love me, you just don’t know it.” That should be a warning sign, not a sigh moment.

Anupa: It should be, but dontcha think it displays the intensity of teenage emotions? I mean, that shit happens to kids—they’re all hormoney and walk around having crushes on like everyone they meet.

And say stupid shit like that, even if they don’t act like it.

I mean, I think it’s totally plausible that Bella “loves” both of them.

Anyway, irregardless (to reference a BETTER teen movie), they’re positioning Jacob and Edward as these super sensory beings who can detect her emotion.

Hence the whole “you love me, you just don’t know it.”

Jef: Edward was the mind reader though, not Jacob. It’s the wolf powers that make the idea of Jacob even more uncomfortable — there’s a reason why one of the females of his pack has scars across her face, reminding of how in New Moon Jake made a big deal about him being dangerous to Bella if he gets angry. Teens have intense emotions, but holy shit, I am watching a movie about sexy wifebeaters and cute emotional blackmailers here!

Anupa: LOLOL

TROOF

And re: Jacob, I think the sensory stuff comes from his wolf-y abilities.

But that’s all details.

Who was your favourite person to watch on screen?

Jef: In New Moon I had to give it up to Kristen Stewart, who I think is actually quite watchable.

Anupa: OH GOD SHE SUCKED THIS TIME

WAIT, ALL THE TIMES

Jef: But I dunno here Bella was so extra stupid. My eyes here were drawn to two things:

1) That creepy vampire dude with the curls, who seems to know this movie is hilarious and thus does hilarious things with his face

and 2) Bryce Dallas Howard, whose eyes are GIGANTIC.

Anupa: OMG, JASPER! How I love thee!

In the first movie he looked constipated all the time.

In the second one, I don’t remember much of him.

He looks like a guy who can’t act

But he’s acting that way.

Also, his hair is scary.

And I bet you Bryce Dallas Howard was wearing those anime contact lenses that are all the rage now.

She was better in The Village.

Jef: Bryce Dallas Howard is the best actress who has never been in a good movie.

I feel bad because she is really hot in a really interesting way, and she has mad hook-ups from from her dad being her dad, but her filmography sucks.

Anupa: Dude, she was a total bitch in this movie too.

She was extra cold to that guy Riley.

Jef: I’m saying. I dug watching her ham it up. Someone needs to throw her a good script.

But I guess that’s what happens when you play muse to Shyamalan. The universe exacts a toll.

Anupa: OMG Shyamalan should direct the next movie!

Jef: LOL

He’s actually perfect for this franchise. Lots of talking that goes nowhere. Pretentious supernatural stuff.

Anupa: There is only one person who could plausibly wanna take on the next film’s plot line.

Jef: But oh yeah, Jasper rules.

What is up with the Cullens? I thought they were all supposed to be painfully beautiful and shit.

Why are they so goofy looking?

Anupa: Well at least the makeup was like a bajillion times better than in the first one.

But, yeah, it is the mystery of a lifetime. They look so artificial. In my mind, they should look like the elves in Lord of the Rings.

Jef: I like that they are supposed to be these bad-ass vampire kung-fu machines but they all look mad dweeby.

Anupa: And they have bad hair.

They need to be Arwen-ified.

The dad needs to be played by Hugo Weaving.

Jef: Yeah, I mean, it’s not that hard to make vampires/elves/what have you, hot.

Anupa: Let’s recast Twilight and hire Peter Jackson to handle it

HOT AND LILY WHITE

Jef: On the other end though, those codified wolf dudes are pretty hot.

Anupa: HELL YES

I want that around me all the time.

Jef: Poor, ethnic, dangerous, but topless and verve-y.

Anupa: Naked brown men with hipster-length denim shorts.

Jef: lololol

Anupa: If they were wearing boat shoes you might think it was a hot day in Williamsburg.

Jef: I like that they are always driving the same shit-box but the Cullens have more cars than people have shoes.

Haha you know which line I liked?

When Jacob was like, yeah I coulda been pack leader, but I didn’t wanna be.

He’s more alpha male than alpha male!

He’s so alpha that he doesn’t give a shit about being alpha.

Anupa: “LET’S FACE IT, I’M HOTTER!”

Jef: OH YES THAT TOO

That’s the money line.

How awkward was that whole sleeping bag scene??

Anupa: IT WAS DELICIOUS

I don’t get turned on by gay sex, but I relish homoeroticism.

If that makes sense.

And I loved how that scene was dripping with boy-boy lurve.

It will make a good porn spinoff

ANAL ECLIPSE.

Jef: Ugh, that’s nasty (c)Lil Wayne

Anupa: Speaking of the title: NOW I get why this was a saga.

Who told them to keep this shit going?

I was expecting this to be the last one.

If they could make a trilogy out of Lord of the Rings, which is inarguably a buttload better, then why not keep this short and sweet?

I mean, obvs, it’s for the sake of money.

But YO.

Jef: I like that as the series goes on the titles make less and less sense, and just become random references to night/day phenomenon.

Are you going to watch the next one?

As much as I hated these two (never saw the first), I am kind of hooked off of fascination.

Anupa: Maybe once I get over the shock that they’re actually splitting this shit up.

And work up the need to see a birth scene.

And a baby falling in love with a hypersexual teen wolf.

Jef: Oh, I can’t wait for that!

And see, I’m not reaching

Jacob is messed up.

MESSED.

You’ve said before that you thought Pattinson was hot.

But I’m pretty sure I caught you eyeing some wolf abs for a second there.

Whose side are you on anyway, Anupa?

Anupa: Team Edward in real life, cus I saw Remember Me and felt all swoony over Pattinson’s angsty hair.

But Team Jacob in Twilight cus he doesn’t wear a shirt.

I’m a simple human being.

Jef: Hahaha

The body wants what it will.

No segue-o, but can we talk about Dakota Fanning?

Anupa: If I can fall in love with a teen wolf, can a baby?

Jef: Everybody Loves Teen Wolves.

Anupa: See that’s the kinda song that shoulda been on the soundtrack, performed by Tokio Hotel.

NOT AMAZING BANDS AND NOW I HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE AND BUY THE TWILIGHT SOUNDTRACK AND LOOK GOOFY.

Yo, I used to ride for Dakota Fanning even though she looked creepy.

But I feel like she still tries to play a creepy kid, but it doesn’t work for her anymore.

Jef: That’s a very good point. I was going to say I wish she were 10 playing this role.

That character would be awesome.

As it is, I always forgot she’s in this and then she comes onscreen and I’m like, oh yeah, Dakota.

Is she the ultimate villain in this thing?

I’m a little direction-less now that (spoiler) Bryce Dallas got murked.

Anupa: Um not really. I mean, the Volturi are the sort of bad guys in this.

But I never really understood them, because they don’t seem like the bad guys per se—they’re just against the interest of the Cullens, who are just seeming like the most self-absorbed fucking coven in the history of vampires right now. They’re breaking all the rules!

Jef: They are, and it makes all the rules feel stupid.

I don’t care that the wolves and the vamps have this fued, because they are so often teaming up or having subliminal threesomes anyway so who the f cares.

Anupa: Yeah, also, I mean if the feud is that major then why is some stupid kid crush undoing it?

Jef: Hopefully, in the end everyone realizes Bella is the true villain.

Anupa: That could never happen, she’s too speshal.

Jef: She dies, and the dad can go back to enjoying his bacon sandwiches in peace.

Anupa: OMG I LOVED THE BACON SANDWICH!!!

Jef: Probably the best character moment, no doubt.

Anupa: The worst part is that the people on set actually had to make/buy that sandwich.

Do you think it was written into the script? [CHARLIE BITES, FOR EFFECT, INTO A COMICALLY-OVERSTUFFED BACON SANDWICH]

Jef: The bacon was so crispy too, just the way I like it.

I think Charlie is a good dude caught in a bad movie.

He should be off somewhere having beers with Mark Ruffalo or something.

Anupa: Or Hugo Weaving.

Jef: Two Hugo Weaving references in one post.

That guy is everywhere!

Anupa: I love me some Lord Elron.

Doesn’t that sound like a b-boy name?

Jef: It does now.

Anupa: It might be what Bella and Edward name their horny baby.

Actually no wait, they name their baby something stupid… some dumb ass portmanteau.

Can we establish that portmanteaus are generally a bad idea?

Jef: Really? Like a port of their names?

Bellward?

Anupa: NO, you wanna know?

Jef: YES.

Anupa: It’s their moms n’em names.

Renee + Esme = RENEESME

I’M NOT KIDDING.

Jef: …

Bellward is actually better.

Anupa: IT IS!

Even Edla is better

Jef: It’s a good argument against babies having babies: less stupid names.

Anupa: I bet you this is true.

Jef: But what do I know, I will probably name my kid Batman or Smoke Monster or something.

Ok my friend, do you have last words for this thing called Twilight Eclipse?

Anupa: Prayin for a supernova.

Jef: Yeah. That works for me too.

Tags: bacon sandwiches, Bella, Eclipse, Edward, he puts the abs in abstinence parable, homoerotic camping trips, hot shirtless dudes, Jacob, portmanteaus, shoutout to Forks, Team Jasper, teen wolves, The Unfortunate Career of Bryce Dallas Howard, Twilight