The Ashcan

Swallow This: The Candwich

Posted on 08. Jul, 2010 by Jef in Curiosities, Food

I had a very involved post planned for today but then I went and got myself hopped up on some Swiss Chalet. It’s the the coupons man, the coupons always get me. For any Americans reading this, Swiss Chalet is like qualudes, but in the form of chicken, and it comes with a dipping sauce that tastes like Natalie Portman in Closer. (Her words, not mine.) (Tastes like heaven.)

So here I am fighting off a consumption coma, feeling bad for myself and my overall health, asking why it is I always do this to myself. Self-loathing, yeah, but made all the more difficult because it’s wrapped in the warm glow of self-satisfaction. An all around guilt-soaked state of being.

But then I found the Candwich, and I felt better about my life. The Canwich, you see, is proof that things can always get worse.

The Candwich is, intuitively, a sandwich in a can. It comes in two PB & J flavours — strawberry and grape — but also BBQ chicken for those of us who aren’t 7 years old (at least not physically). According to the official website, the Candwich is perfect for the following:

• students
• construction workers
• soccer moms
• outdoor enthusiasts

The first three categories cover my entire neighbourhood. Candwich party at my place, guys! Not listed but implied:

• the chronically sedentary
• hipsters who eat crap food ironically
• alley cats
• Filipinos (I can make this joke!)

There’s also this:

Candwich has a long shelf-life that is perfect for emergency food storage needs in the event of natural disasters.

Wow, there is so much depressing stuff in that one sentence. That sentence is like a can with a sandwich in it.

(via)

Tags: but can we get a Manwich Candwich?, Candwich, creepy food, if you like sodium you'll love, pb&j, poison, Spam, what's on the menu apocalypse