"Nice... umm... socks."

I’ll bet you took one look at that photo and thought, “Here we go — yet another rant on the ethics (or lack thereof) of American Apparel’s running ads.”  And that’s where you’d be wrong.

Granted, AA’s coked-out, unvarnished, vagina-in-your-face campaigns are getting tiresome.   But it just doesn’t feel right blasting hipster scum for how they choose to hawk T-shirts, when international fashion houses are putting out equally skeazy, oiled-up offerings. Tom Ford, D&G… I’m looking at you.  (A small heads-up, you might not want to open up these links at work).

Luckily, there are still about five hundred thousand reasons why American Apparel makes me want to hurl.  Included in these…

The World's Creepiest Boss

1. Dov Charney - How do I loathe thee?  Let me count the ways.  This Montreal ex-pat (for shame, French-Canadian friends!) factors in BIG to my annual birthday cake candle-blowing wish: “I wish… I wish I could go back in time and make Mrs. Charney take her goddamn birth control!!” As American Apparel’s founder and World’s Weirdest CEO, Charney has racked up a slew of sexual harassment suits from former employees– five in three years.  Their claims run the length of the WTF gamut from him conducting work meetings wearing close to nothing to Charney exposing himself and asking female staff to masturbate with him.  (Famously, he allegedly engaged in oral sex with an employee while being interviewed for Jane magazine, a report that Charney himself does not deny).  Given the chance, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t punch the smug dirtbag in the throat.

2. The clothes -  Oh God, the clothes. This is about where some self-righteous, electroclash-loving manorexic pipes up and starts defending the soft cotton and quality, etc.  I don’t doubt that somewhere in these stores there are comfortable socks and thermal tees that make up about 2% of total inventory.  The OTHER 98%, however, oscillates between schoolyard silhouettes (basic hoodies and tanks) and some fucked-up concoctions that include an arsenal of thong bodysuits (how do you pee??), ass-cutout tights, and other fun things that make the fetish stores on Church St. look like places to shop for Sunday best.  And–despite AA’s claims that they cater to “real” women– the last time I checked, unless you’re hanger-thin, metallic spandex is NOT your friend. Points to the folks at Jezebel for test-driving some average AA fare on film to prove this.

3. The politics - Yeah, yeah I get it.  “Made in America”, not in some sweatshop, and all of that.  You know what else is made in America?  Ann Coulter.   Once upon a time, when American Apparel was just a place to buy a well-made T-shirt, the company prided itself on its domestic manufacturing, commitment to sustainability, and progressive labour practices.  Recently, the company’s “Legalize LA” campaign took on an ironic twist, when it was  forced to lay off some 1,500 workers, following an Immigration and Customs Enforcement investigation that revealed roughly one third of its LA workers were not authorized to work.  On top of that, it’s no big secret that AA has been slowly, steadily, and actively chipping away at its reputation for socially-conscious consumption.  Deciding  that ethical consumers were too small a niche, management has thrown millions of corporate dollars into the sex-soaked, grainy images that now make up the face of the brand.  It’s kind of a shame that something at least originally based on a pillar of  good intent has been lost to the mindless trappings of Generation MySpace.

4. The colours - What is this, Romper Room? Someone should tell them there are more colours in the world than those found in a tempera paint set.

Like shopping at the Multi-Dollarama

5. The shopping experience – What is with their merchandising?  Stark white walls and the omni-present gridwall system seem a little bargain basement for a place that charges nearly $60 for leggings.  Maybe stripped-down chic is novel for AA’s suburban-bred crowd, but if I wanted that kind of ambience, I’d simply harken back to the days of trailing six feet behind my immigrant mom while shopping at Bi-Way for new shoes  (“Who cares about those Nikes? Look at these Sparx!  Just as nice!”)

I’d go on, but I know when I’m wasting breath.  And if you’ve bought the gear, you’ve already drank the Kool-Aid.  Stopping its spread is a dubious effort, too:  AA has already opened up shop in Beijing and Shanghai ( Selling “Made in America” shirts to China.. I can’t take the irony!)  And check out the opening of an American Apparel location in London that actually sparked an all-out  riot among its neon clamberers.

It makes me sad that British cops only carry batons.

Of course, I have heard of other types of parties.

80′s parties. 70′s parties. Prom parties. Asshole parties (you have to wear American Apparel, and the party takes place on a yacht).

Rarely however have I ever witnessed first or second hand the space-time bending awesomeness that is a New York hipster attending a “Jersey Shore” costume party, which the Village Voice happens to have an entire photo album of.

I like to think this could be titled: “the situation,” lower case s.

Anyways, I have been trying to to think of interesting party ideas recently, and I have nothing else to post about today, so there you have it. I apologize. Now brainstorm for me: what’s the best themed party you’ve ever been to?

My current theme ideas after the jump:

• Cartoons
• Global dictators
• Other people who will be attending the party in a hat and everybody gets somebody else
• The person you hate most in the world (could overlap with the above theme)
• Dead authors
• Characters from the movie “Starship Troopers”
• Colours that rhyme with “urple”
• Anyone who appears regularly on a TLC show

When it became known that Vice magazine, the vulgar yet wildly popular trend setting magazine for hipsters young and old, would pair up with CNN, that vulgar yet wildly popular and trendsetting broadcast news channel for people, young and old, who prefer to have their news shoved down their throats, you could almost hear the collective groan across North America. I know because I was there, groaning and scratching my head and thinking this is just another nail in the coffin for a magazine I used to devour for it’s cutting edge, racy and hilarious content, but has gotten kinda soft over the years.

But that was then (way back in January).

Sure the Do’s and Dont’s column is complete crap now that Gavin McInnes isn’t writing it anymore, which is fine because Gavin is much funnier/offensive on his own site, and the whole mag/website just seems like a giant ad for American Apparel, but Vice TV is different. It somehow manages to be cutting edge, insulting and entertaining, and sometimes it just makes for some damn fine journalism.

Case in point: The recent Vice Guide to Liberia, where co-founder Shane Smith travels to the capital of Monrovia and exposes just how truly messed up things still are there after the civil war which ended in 2003. They don’t go right out and say it, but most of Liberia’s problems stem from U.S. intervention (big surprise), and this documentary exposes the living nightmare that is Liberia now.

Not to give it away, but they basically track down former warlords/generals, go on guided tours of slums, brothels and cemetaries, and uncover not only the extreme poverty of the nation, but also how it is literally on the brink of a cannibalistic blood bath. No jokes. Cannibals.

Smith saves the viewers of any typical Vice snark for this straight shooting doc that is sometimes funny, in that whole I can’t believe this warlord’s name is General Butt Naked, and at other times terrifying. You can tell in some scenes that the crew is literally fearful for their lives.

Now back to CNN, the so-called “worldwide leader of news.” They were becoming such a laughing stock that I think a partnership like this actually shows they still have some relevancy left. While it’s great that action hero Anderson Cooper can film himself saving Haitian children and then blog all about it, there is no way he would be as daring/stupid as Vice to walk through malaria infested water barefoot, spree a wanted warlord from jail and visit a brothel at night in possibly one of the most dangerous slums in the world.

Which is why I can get behind a partnership with an organization that will do that (and by that I mean Vice, not CNN, which I still wont watch).