I, like many other Canadians, have somehow allowed this annual food gambling tournament to turn into as much a part of our national pastiche as curling, hockey, skating on frozen rivers and drinking milk from bags. If you ever leave Canada to live in a foreign land, I promise you those are the five things you will miss most.

But first let me provide some context.

Being a former barista and theoretically, a writer by trade, my average coffee consumption hovers somewhere in the range of three cups a day. And when I say “cup,” I don’t mean the kind of cup you get at a fancy restaurant. I mean, at least a 14oz paper container or a giant, steaming, mug. Basically, I am a caffeine addict, as anyone who knows me and has seen me sans coffee for any prolonged period can attest. I turn into a disturbingly aloof sociopath. It’s not pretty. Don’t try to sell me things before 9am.

In terms of brand loyalty, I’d say due to pure availability to taste ratio, I drink Starbucks coffee 75 per cent of the time I purchase a coffee, followed by 20 per cent Tim Hortons and 5 per cent misc.

Overall, purchased coffee represents roughly 60 per cent of my total intake, with the rest being home brew of myriad beans and roasts.

I take my coffee seriously, but I am most definitely not a snob. I’ve tried almost all possible permutations of the black goddess, including a recent sample of Chemex brewed Intelligentsia Rwandan. Black. Beautiful.

Why am I boring you with all this? I just want to provide context for the fact that, when Roll Up The Rim To Win is on, I drink *exclusively* Tim Hortons coffee. I don’t know what the marketing term is for when a campaign works so flawlessly it monopolizes its intended demographic, but whatever it is, it’s me.

I will be standing inside a Starbucks, but instead leave for a Tim Hortons somewhere in the neighbourhood instead if I want a cup of coffee. It’s ridiculous and I cannot control myself from acting otherwise. It may be a sickness, but I know I’m not the only one.

Essentially, Roll Up The Rim To Win is like gambling. You convince yourself if you drink a coffee that’s not from Timmies, it will be the equivalent of the one week you forget to play your lucky numbers in the lotto. That one cup could have been a RAV FUCKING FOUR.

Instead, you spent an extra 30 cents for a Venti Pike Place. How could you forgive yourself?

Adding fuel to the flame is the fact I have actually won an iPod before, and so the deranged part of my brain is convinced I could absolutely win $10,000. Why not me? I’m lucky! I can’t even type Roll Up The Rim To Win without capitalizing every word just like the official name.

I am curious what Timmies sales number are like during this promotion. Roll must be pretty mind boggling since McDonalds is literally giving away free coffee to try and counter it.

Anyways, my name is Simon and I have a problem with Roll up the Rim to Win. I just thought I would share so anybody wondering why I’m jittering at 3am knows what the hell is up.

Final random thoughts on Roll Up The Rim To Win:

• Why are employees ever not more repulsed when handed wrinkly, torn, stained, possibly chewed up winning tabs?
• Did you know you can substitute any hot drink for a winning coffee and any baked good for a winning donut?
• The Country Style equivalent is ludicrously bad. I have won 15 cents off of a coffee before there. Every drink is a winner my bum.
• There is an online version this year.
• If you win the RAV-4 then die in a stuck peddle accident, would it be possible to sue Tim Hortons in addition to Toyota?
• This table of cups consumed per geographic area and accompanying winning prize distribution is, to me, fascinating.
• I am not sure why, but I am convinced there are better odds of winning with large cups than any other size.
• I have thought and written way too much about this.
• I’m going to make you read the words Roll Up The Rim To Win one more time because I hate you.